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The Picture In Your Mind

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I had a recent conversation with some former coworkers. The last time I worked with them my head was in utter chaos, trying to navigate anxiety and panic. I haven’t seen them in quite some time and like I often do, I started to reflect.


Mostly, the reflection was on how there are some folks out there who are true friends, with a humane take on life that never judges, just offers support and understanding. I worked with them during a time when I seemingly forgot how to breathe. The past few years I have learned how to heal from a time where I thought I was losing it all. At the time, I figured all of my emotions were caused by the stress of a toxic work environment. That wasn’t entirely true. What I found was that the stress triggered some emotions that I had compartmentalized and was not fully accepting. They were locked in a box, duct taped tight, and when they came out, it was like a Jack-in-the-box exploding into view, startling my senses.


I removed myself from the stressful situation I was in. I had too. There was no choice. It was that or my health would suffer, possibly my life would vanish. That’s where my mindset was. When you share with your supervisor that you are suffering from anxiety and will be getting checked further to rule out any other health conditions, like MS, and they look you in the eye and say, “Maybe it’s time for you to give notice and do something else.” One, the statement itself shows you the toxic environment that you are in. Two, the legalities of such a statement made the idealist in me come out and stand up for myself because I knew it was happening to others as well. When you stand up for yourself and others, some do not like that, so it brings with it more stress from the people that do not want to be found out. There were a hundred more examples of this that I heard in my tenure. When corrupt chaos is allowed or not made aware to those in power, it will continue. Even when made aware, it can continue.

Still, my anxiety was not caused by the environment I was in. To come to this conclusion, it took me removing myself and then facing some truths about my life and past trauma that I was not able to while under such stress. When I crawled through all the muck and came out the other side, I had to face myself and my realities. With help from my therapist of twenty years and the writings of Thich Nhat Hahn, I knew that the traumas I have yet to deal with have surfaced. It was time to accept them and face them head on. I found out, without acceptance, nothing can be resolved or healed.


I had to look deep at the abuse I endured as a child. The physical and emotional was bad enough, but the sexual abuse was something I hid deep. The stigmas around sexual abuse, making you feel like you did something wrong, that you caused it in some way, is torturous on your mind, breaking it into pieces. You feel shattered. So, it was all facing me now. The sexual abuse was something I did not fully share with the love of my life, my wife. I felt ashamed, guilty. I felt the same as I hid it from my mother. It flooded my mind and then started to trickle out little by little. It’s suffocating to feel like you may have caused your abuse. Society's stigmas can also enhance those thoughts.


I also had to face my friend’s suicide. I thought I had accepted it, but the guilt was still there. I looked at his family and felt responsible, like I had missed something important that he told me and should have stopped him. I felt the same about my friend who died by suicide by cop. What did I miss? Could I have helped? What about my sister and her death? Why didn’t I save her? The reality of all of this started to drown me. No wonder anxiety and panic flooded me. Yet, I asked for months, why did I get anxiety?


After everything else that could have been medically wrong with me was ruled out, I was left with a benign brain tumor and a lifetime of MRI’s to face, and my mental health. The tumor is a part of me, just like my depression and anxiety. I had to accept it too, and every couple of years, I see if my little attachment has grown and if it will have to be removed. I accepted it! I still have anxiety and possibly will for my lifetime. I accepted it! I sometimes have full days of panic, and sometimes a week of it. I have accepted it! Acceptance was key. It was crucial to accept everything fully because by denying it, I deny myself.


I then set out on a mission. I decided to share my experiences with the world. I needed to. I realized that I could use my story to normalize mental illness and tell people, it’s okay not to be okay. I wrote a book about suicide, depression, anxiety, friendship, and loyalty. I wrote another about all of those things and sexual assault and love. I have to share. If it can help, possibly save another, I need to be vulnerable and let the world hear it and read it.

I also needed to come back to my true self. To live the life I want to its fullest with no compromises. When I find myself in a toxic environment, I try to change it, and if that doesn’t work after several attempts, I move on. Life is too short to get wrapped up in negativity of any kind. Besides, Karma visited one toxic environment I was in and most of it was exposed, and it will happen in other circumstances too. Good will always win in the long run. At least, I need to believe that.


I have given myself permission to have anxiety, depression, and be a victim of abuse. Abuse to the extent that no one will ever fully know, but I’ll share just enough to bring awareness. If my words help you, and if they offer a path to allow acceptance and healing, then have them.

This is your one life to live. Don't compromise yourself and settle. Accept all of you fully and when you don’t like your circumstances, work hard to change them. There will be obstacles and sacrifices in order to change your life for the better, just don’t sacrifice your wellbeing. Go now, and map out what you want your life to be. Visualize it and go toward the picture in your mind.


For my friend, David, who my first book is dedicated to and much of my purpose, I will forever love you, brother. To those of you who feel lost, hopeless, like life is suffocating you. You are not alone! Turn your pain into strength and give it reason. Perhaps, your purpose will be to help others. It seems like this world could use that right now. We don’t need to travel this world alone!




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The picture in your mind is beautifully written. Yes, it is filled with pain, heartache, and confusion, yet, what a strong individual to face it and move forward. The abuse will never leave your mind. It is possible to make the decision that it will not control you. You have done an excellent job of controlling your emotions. You should be very proud of your accomplishments and your ability to face it and move forward. Also, never underestimate the power of love, it will sustain you and enfold you within its ability to give you strength. Great piece Chuck. Mom

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© 2022 by Chuck Murphree

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