Clinging To Trees

There is something that happens when you finally face yourself fully. It must be what a snake feels like when it sheds its skin. There is a freshness, newness, and change. Though, while the old skin sheds into the new, there is complete vulnerability because the mirror that you have now hold up is sometimes unkind. The skin you are shedding is on display and many will not like the changes you have made. Some will stay with you and some will be left behind. It is not personal. You have changed and that is okay. It is what is necessary in life if you wish to fully develop into the person you wish to become. That in itself is a lifelong journey. 

Still, self-awareness is a gift, and often, it can simultaneously be a slap in the face. You stop judging what you see outward and your criticism turns inward, giving yourself a deep look. A look into the soul perhaps, or at least deeper than the skin. You may look back at past mistakes and your actions that you wish you did not take. It is not to simply dwell in that self-critical place because that would be a waste of time. One cannot change the past. The mistake would be not learning from it. To not do a self-examination and try to understand. 

To me, looking at those past mistakes and actions, or at least what I consider to be mistakes, helps me grow as a human. It is what is necessary to develop and change. There are the parts of ourselves we wish to leave behind and the other parts that we like. Those are the parts that we want to carry for a lifetime. Perhaps, it is staying true to yourself and your values no matter what pressures you receive elsewhere. Maybe it’s standing up for someone or a group of people when no one else did, even though they knew that person or persons were being harmed. It’s those times when standing on the side of right, on the side of what is morally good, was worth the stress and pain that may have come with it. After all, when you stand up for others, the people that were causing the harm are often not happy. They want to keep on being harmful. So yes, carry those things with you and then shed what is not helpful anymore. 

Have you ever been in a situation where your life has been in danger of ending and what is important to you comes to the surface, staring at you, yelling, “Hang on!” If you have been in this situation, clinging to life, I am sure that it was not your material items yelling for you to hang on. I am sure it was not your car or house, or the expensive watch that you thought you needed (They all tell time and time does not lie) that was telling you to hang on. Most likely, at least for me, it was the people, or dogs, that I love and love me. It was my students, past and present. It was myself saying, “You have a life to live and you are needed.” It was the voice of my wife. The hug from my mother. It was the trails that I needed to deeply explore because each time they reveal more to me than the last. 

I’ve had a few times where I have been there, clinging to life, wondering if this is it. What I found was that instead of me clinging to life, I needed life to cling to me. I needed all the reasons for living to help me survive another day. I needed to be more gentle to myself, instead of crossing the line that was going to make the lights go dim. 

Often, when I need to celebrate life I choose a few things. It’s looking into my wife’s eyes, grateful for her love. It is talking to a family member, realizing that we do love each other but there seems to be distance between us. It’s texting a friend to check in on them. It’s greeting kids in the morning as they enter school, having a few of them stand with me, telling me how they are doing, or maybe talking about their dreams and where they are headed. Other times, and often, it is when I enter the woods. I am mindful of each step. Aware of my breathing, hearing the sounds all around me, maybe an owl off in the distance. It is when I step close to a tree and reach my bare hand for its bark, at first gently grounding myself to the tree, and then suddenly realizing how the trees have been protecting me since I was a child. They have always been my solace, my escape, and remind me that there is something much greater than myself. This is when I cling to them. I feel their strength within my hands and hold the tree tight. It is what is needed. 

When standing alone in the deepness of the woods, the soft light trickling through the tops of the trees, as I look up, realizing the tree that stands near me will be there long after I am gone from this world, it is during this time that I face myself fully. It is when I place myself far enough back into the woods, knowing that it is my own will that I now have to rely on to navigate my way back, that I am certain I am alive. It is then that I am able to stay mindful, putting the people, places, and things in my life where they belong, including myself. To own my own thoughts, my own past, and to understand that a certain amount of fate will decide my future. 

I cling to trees because they reveal the truth.