Depression Is Emotionally Abusive

Depression can be verbally and emotionally abusive. Yes, the abuse is coming from your own mind. It is the dialogue that you tell yourself, “I am worthless. I am a burden.” The dialogue can get worse. It might even tell you that life is not worth living anymore and you should just be done. “Go ahead, leave this world, ”You hear repeating in your thoughts. 

You find yourself around coworkers, friends, loved ones, and nothing is feeling right. It’s dark inside, so much so that you feel completely lost. Oftentimes, depression can cause a heaviness in your head, even feeling like you are sick from a virus. The feeling can run through other parts of your body and make your muscles and bones ache. It’s a symptom of depression that is not discussed enough. You tell yourself that your coworkers don’t want you around, so you start to think of an exit plan from your occupation. You remove yourself from your family because they too must despise your very being. You tell yourself that friends find you cumbersome and a burden, and they’d be better off without you, so you vanish a little. If you are lucky enough to have someone that you love, someone that is closer to you than anyone, and on an intimate level, you convince yourself that they too secretly wish that you would simply disappear. It would make it easier on them and then they could go live the life they want. Yes, depression is emotionally abusive. 

This is often the reality of depression and it seems like we still tiptoe around the subject because it is difficult. We do the same with grief. It’s as if it is easier to avoid those people who suffer than to lean in and be present with them. Society still places blame on the person who is depressed. The stigmas are present. We think they should “Get over it” or “Just think happy thoughts.” Would we say the same for someone suffering from another disease, let's say, cancer? No, that would be cruel. Certainly it would be cruel, but depression is just as deadly. It is also an unrelenting illness. 

We need to step out of ourselves, our own insecurities to talk about hard subjects and take the mystery away from the centuries old illness that was once called melancholy. Sure, we have come further as far as accepting there are people amongst us that walk around daily in this darkness, but from my experience, we still struggle with talking about it. We struggle to read about it. It is uncomfortable to be around people that have an illness that often makes them question their own existence and willingness to continue. 

In the next few weeks, I have been asked to come to schools and classrooms to tell my story and talk about my experiences with trauma, depression, anxiety, panic, and suicidal ideation. These are people that are starting to recognize that bringing awareness to these subjects and helping students feel less alone and learn how to be more resilient is key. We have to talk about mental illness and suicide. It is facing us daily, and tormenting our kids. Young people are seeking real conversations with people that understand what it’s like to visit the darkness of their minds. They need to hear from people that understand what it’s like to walk through the fog and make it out the other side. This does not always come from a textbook or talking with a therapist that does not have lived experience with the darkness. 

Depression can look like a smile with tired eyes. It can be the person saying hello in the hallways and greeting people at the front door. Depression can be the man who walks the dirt trails seeking answers or the woman who hugs her child as if it is the most important thing in the world. Depression can be the writer who tells you their fears and dreams, or the painter who makes dragonflies come to life on canvas. It can be the friend that called you to say hello and ask you how you are and then pause to actually listen. Depression can be the person who tells you they love you, send you flowers, and write you a letter all in one day. People with depression often try to mask their pain, and that can be exhausting. 

Depression is the person who’s struggling daily to not throw it all away.

Depression is also the person who has survived the storm and came out stronger, more resilient, realizing that if they made it another day walking through the emotional turmoil in their mind, they are capable of surviving just about everything. 

Depression is an attempt to love yourself when everything in your soul, and most likely your past, is telling you not to. 

Depression is impermanent and that offers hope. 

You’re not alone!