The Need For Resilience

I was in a conversation today where we were talking about never giving students consequences. Yesterday there was a meeting where I heard someone say they don’t want kids to feel disappointment, and the day before where someone else was talking about how we always want to protect kids from feeling uncomfortable and experiencing failure. These are common conversations in the world of education. They are common conversations with parents. I get it, we all want so much for our kids, but that is not reality.  

My question, is this life? I think a definitive response is, “No.” Life will make you suffer. It will bring you consequences for your choices and actions. Life will cause much disappointment, and being uncomfortable will be a common occurrence. You will fail! You will be in a job where people will gossip about you or not say hello because they are just not kind people. There are mean people in the world. Bullies and cruel people. 

So, why do we keep putting systems in place to protect kids from all that life will bring them? Now, I am not talking about extremes like abuse and homelessness, so please don’t jump there. What I am talking about is when kids do things like fail a class, bring drugs to school, be disrespectful, and so on. Even with mental health. We attempt to “save” kids from suffering with depression and anxiety. I think what is needed is to teach kids how to be uncomfortable. Teach them to work through the obstacles in life, and teach them to learn from failure. Isn’t this what we want and expect from adults? Why not start young and have kids start to understand that life is not always easy, nor is it fair. 

As we know, life doesn’t stop for your trauma. It doesn’t give you time to grieve or be depressed. Life can often seem cruel, judgmental, and disingenuous. It is harsh. And yet, we attempt to protect kids from all of those feelings instead of offering instruction on how to build resilience. To me, that is what is needed. We see this with adults who have been brought up to never experience hardship. They have had everything handed to them and have been protected. When they do experience something bad or devastating, and all of us will sooner or later, they crumble and fall apart. They lay in bed staring at walls instead of greeting the day. They make excuses. They are the ones that when they are in the wrong, point the finger at someone else and place blame instead of taking responsibility. They become gaslighters. 

When I talk about resilience, it is not always about large acts of pushing through something difficult. Sometimes, it is simply stepping out into the sun when you are feeling depressed and wanting to hide under the covers. It is sitting with your anxiety instead of pulling out a bottle of booze or a joint and trying to escape your reality. Resilience is about facing the obstacles and exhaustion of life fully, attempting to understand it, and finally coming to a place of acceptance. 

We need to model for children that life is not always a gentle dance but a wrestling match. It is a game of catch with jagged rocks that bloody the hands. Certainly, it is difficult to see anyone suffer, but the reality is that we all do. Teach kids how to do so, and to lean into it. Life doesn’t always go their way. In fact, it rarely does, that is why we must adapt and blend. 

I recently said to someone, “I am thankful that I have suffered as much as I have. I have experienced trauma, loss, depression, anxiety, and panic. I have experienced pain. It has made me stronger than I ever thought I could be because I chose to learn from it instead of letting it ruin me.” Suffering is a great teacher and I have taken my own suffering and taught others. I found purpose in my suffering. We can teach kids the same, and adopt this for ourselves. 

In the end, I think it is more important being beside someone while they are suffering or experiencing discomfort. To let them know they are not alone. Yes, no one is coming to save them, and they will have to do the hard work to help themselves, but they do not have to do it alone. With adults, and especially with kids, we can cheer them on through their failures, and we can be a guide when life decides to tear them down. We can teach them how to sit and accept what is happening to them and approach it with reasoning and understanding. 

Life can be wonderful, brutal, joyous, agonizing, and jubilant all at once. It will be a tidal wave that will lift you and try to drown you. Accepting this and more importantly, preparing for it is crucial.