Love and Acceptance

“I deeply and completely love and accept myself.” I was sitting across from my Reiki Practitioner and as she asked me to repeat those words, I could not do it. I stopped cold, tears filling my eyes, and put my head in my hands. “This one is hard for you,” she said.

Honestly, I did not know how to say those words to myself. I could have tried to fake it and say I do love and accept myself, but that would have been a lie. A lie to myself and a lie to this person who I trust and who has always shown a great deal of compassion towards me. Then, I was embarrassed. Embarrassed for breaking down and embarrassed that with as far as I have come on my mental health journey, I still struggled to show myself love and acceptance. I walked out of the session that evening and realized that I still have a lot of work to do. 

Where is this coming from? Why was it so difficult to say these words aloud and to truly mean them? I am sure some would think I lack confidence, but they would be wrong. It is not a confidence issue. My confidence, along with my ego, is intact. I do understand who I am and what I am capable of. This was something deeper. It is a lack of self-worth. The feeling that I am never good enough, no matter what I do or say, or how I conduct myself, that it is never enough. Who places this immense amount of pressure on me? It is me, mostly, but much of it is also ingrained.  

It is difficult to explain at times, but much of the feeling of never being enough came at an early age. I believe feeling this way comes from trauma. I have heard this from others as well. People with childhood trauma often feel as if they can never do anything right, need validation, and with that, feel worthless. We often strive to achieve, but when we do, that too is not enough. We may excel in sports, get a masters degree, write and publish books, help people with their mental health, be a keynote speaker at events, have a loving marriage, travel, climb mountains, be kind, and try to improve daily as a human. Perhaps, we decided long ago to live a life serving others. Whatever the case may be, it never seems enough. 

“I deeply and completely love and accept myself.” Nope! Something that should be so natural, so easy to say, is difficult. It’s like trying to wash a bad taste off the tongue.

It is often easier to display flaws and achievements. It is also easier to love and accept others. 

I dove a little deeper, wondering why I could not say these words without becoming emotional. Certainly, it was the abuse from an emotionally absent father. It could also be the pressure my mother sometimes placed on me. Oh, I mean no disrespect to her, but my accomplishments often went unnoticed or had a side note of, “It could have been better.” Hence, the need for validation. 

Perhaps, I should just lie and say, “I do love and accept myself,” and move on. Why share this? Why share anything that I write or think? Why talk about mental health and trauma? Well, I share with the hopes that something I write or say may resonate with someone else. I share to validate to myself that I do have something to say and it brings me back to my purpose in life, to serve others and help them in some capacity. Now, as I reread what I just wrote, I wonder why I feel the need to justify any of this? Why justify my words and thoughts? Well, it’s because I struggle to love and accept myself. 

Someone asked me recently, “Why do you share so much of yourself and personal struggles, and I notice you don’t always give ways or strategies for people to fix themselves?”

I answered, “I believe people don’t always want to be ‘fixed’ but they do want to connect with others and realize they are not alone in their suffering. That in itself helps people. If my experiences and thoughts help them, they can have a part of me.” 

It is important to love and accept ourselves, but I believe it may be even more important to understand who we are. That I am confident in. I have looked closely and gone deep into the depths of who I am and with that, I bring a lot of self-awareness in my life and my actions. I accept that and I love that about myself.