How To Deal With Annoying People

“To live a good life: We have the potential for it. If we learn to be indifferent to what makes no difference.” — Marcus Aurelius

Here’s a story about annoying people and perhaps some ways to deal with them. Don’t read into this too much. This story could have been from twenty years ago or maybe it’s from the present. Either way, you will get the point because annoying people are often similar in nature and their annoyance comes from a common place.

He sat across from me as he introduced himself and said, “I am going to piss people off but that means I am doing my job.” 

I will say, this wasn’t the introductory conversation that I expected. He went on to ask me my role and opinions on things, which I gave to the best of my ability. 

“Well, in order to make change, I will make people upset but I don’t care.” 

I found this an interesting way to start off. My first thought was to tell him, “I believe you are making a mistake and will lose trust and isolate yourself.” I did not. Sometimes, people need to make their own mistakes and then it will test them to see if they will learn from it. In this case, I believe the gentleman’s ego got in the way for him to self-reflect on his conduct. 

I have observed him in many situations and have had several conversations with him since our first encounter, and I will say, my predictions were accurate. He has managed to annoy enough people that when he is present, no one to my knowledge, chooses to interact with him. He forces himself into the little corners and cracks of every conversation and decision, trying to tell people how to conduct their day. When he is not there, many have commented on how pleasant the environment is. “Less toxic and stressful” is often what is said. 

I have had to confront this man a couple of times. Many of the things he does have nothing to do with me or are within my dichotomy of control, so I have no influence and try not to stress over it. In those situations, all I can do is try to build self-efficacy in others that he is annoying in order for them to confront the issues he brings, which in my observation is mostly derived from a large ego. With that, he has stated several times that he likes to overstep and “Get out of his lane.” A few things he has done was within my sphere of control. With this, I confronted the situation. What I expected happened, and thus, led us into a relationship where we are cordial but the interactions are limited. This is okay. When people act bullyish within their day-to-day life, the last thing they want is for someone to stand up to them and confront their actions. Bullies like to continue with bullying. In my work life, I have seen this numerous times from people in “Power.” I place the word power in quotes because that is what they believe they have, but no one has power over you unless you let them, so is it truly power? That’s a question to carry with you through life in all interactions.

I find people like this, people that annoy the majority and are allowed to do so because they know how to silence people because their arrogance is overwhelming and overbearing to the point where people feel it’s not worth the effort to stand up to him, an interesting study in the human condition. I watch him closely and see how uncomfortable he makes others, and then think about what must drive him to conduct himself in such a way? How did someone like this get so confident that his ideas are the ones that are right? His ideas are the best! How did he learn to dismiss others and their opinions? Why does he think it’s okay to step out of his lane and “piss people off” as he has stated? 

I do not dismiss that he did some good things. However, the approach we take in life, whether that is personal or professional relationships, means everything. One must take the time to build positive relationships and come from a place of compassion, empathy, and understanding in order to build trust, and to be productive. If you walk into a room and make people’s skin crawl, no matter the work you do, it will not be welcomed or beneficial. 

The approach I had to take with this man, as I have with others throughout the years, is to place a figurative “wall” up to protect my peace and tranquility. I knew that if I let him frustrate me or make me angry, that it was only negatively impacting my day, and maybe even enhancing his. The “wall” I mention is keeping interactions to a minimum. It is being cordial but not giving him the space I may give others who have more positive intent. I have always tried to remove myself from toxic people and situations. Over the years it has probably harmed my relationships, but I have always found I needed to remove myself from spaces in order to protect my peace. I figure if I place myself in those situations, then that’s on me. I chose to do so, and thus, I can also choose to remove myself. However, be mindful that when you start to remove yourself from people a few things may happen. You become more isolated because negative people want company. They thrive off it. They may attempt to gaslight you or make it sound like you are the problem. It’s like any relationship or work environments that starts to go south, the people that actually caused the problems are looking for someone to blame other than themselves. 

Why is this and what can you do? It might not be what you think. 

I believe most people that conduct themselves in such a negative or arrogant manner, are most likely insecure. There has been something missing from their life, something lacking, that makes them act this way. 

A few things I have done over the years, and in the situation I mention, is find empathy for people that live their lives this way. I look at them with compassion and feel bad for them because it must be difficult to always live and walk around in that toxic space. It must be hard to constantly feel like you have to prove yourself so you seek attention and approval. You seek the rewards for your labors and the pat on the back that you feel you deserve. It’s not that we all want to be acknowledged for our efforts, but people like this, like this man I mention, are willing to take others down in order to lift himself up. That has to be a very hard existence to maintain, so I offer empathy. 

Another thing I do when I encounter such folks, and this is the hard part, is to stop looking outward towards their faults, but look inward at my own. Some of these thoughts come directly from the stoics. I pause and realize that when I am with annoying people, that there are people that also find me annoying out there. Therefore, I take an internal look at myself and my own actions and then try to conduct myself in a manner that I hope shows good character. I make the necessary changes to improve by admitting the faults I have. It takes away from me judging others but looking within myself. This helps bring to you a lot of self-awareness and self-reflection. With that, it also takes away some of the anger and frustrations that build when dealing with annoying people. Frankly, most people that act this way will not care that you are annoyed and they probably have not done the internal work to stop being so arrogant and disruptive. 

Marcus Aurelius often started each day with preparing himself for rude, annoying, and arrogant people. This way he was not surprised by them. I found that a good strategy as well. I was talking with someone recently that was complaining about the conduct of a supervisor. They were mentioning how this person lacks social emotional intelligence and doesn't treat staff well. My reply, “They have always conducted themselves this way. Until they do the work to self-reflect and make changes in their own character, they will continue to harm others, so why are you surprised by this? It’s harming you by making you angry because you have no control over changing them.” 

Now, I realize this is difficult for people to hear because we want to be angry and complain about cruel people, but why get frustrated and continue to do the things they have always done and refuse to change or even understand the harm they cause?

It is not being passive or letting people get away with their rudeness to put some of these things into practice. I believe, and I have seen, that most people who cause harm end up paying for it or have a wake-up call somewhere down the line. If anything, they are not well respected. I go back to the example of this man I mention, and others that I have encountered like him, people simply do not trust or respect him. He lost that through his arrogance. The shameful thing is that he doesn’t have the capacity at this point in his life to reflect on that and understand the harm he has done. Isn’t that awful? Isn’t it awful to live in such a way that you are not respected or known as a kind person? That seems punishment enough. 

Prepare yourself daily to encounter rude and arrogant people. Prepare yourself for toxic people in all areas of your life and, like Marcus says, you will be less surprised and prepared for it.