I Hurt a Friend

Most disagreements come from lack of communication, lack of understanding, or a lack of compassion. In the fall of 2023, I hurt a friend. 

During that time, I thought about him often, and I thought about my own conduct. I reflected on my own actions and the words that came from feelings that were perhaps building slowly and steadily, but I chose not to express those feelings in a rational, reasonable way. 

I could have made excuses during this time. Excuses to myself, to my wife, and after reconnecting with my old friend, excuses to him. I could have used the excuse of emotional pain and the grief I felt after losing my mom. It was only a couple of months after losing her that I also hurt my friend in a sudden manner, without a true explanation, letting him go like a feather in the wind. And, I did so in an unfair and selfish way, by sending a text. 

As the months lingered on, I thought of my friend often. I saw memories pop up on my phone or social media, showing me within those photos that I did have a true friend in him, one that I shared experiences with. I threw that away, just like I have thrown others to the side within my lifetime, mostly from pride, stubbornness, or maybe even a little self-righteousness. I have done this with places of work as well.

I once faded away from a very close friend that I knew since I was eleven. He lived behind me as we came of age together. We were tight, close like brothers, but when I was forty, I decided it was enough. I make up reasons for removing myself from his life, but I am now uncertain they were good reasons. In reflection, I should have become closer to my childhood friend, leaned in rather than push him away because I think maybe he needed me. I didn’t. In the past several years, I have attempted to reconnect with my old neighbor, my one time best friend, but it doesn’t ever work out. I realize that it is probably difficult for him too. 

Going back to my friend that I hurt in 2023, I recently reached back out to him. As mentioned, I thought of him often, seeing our own journey together in the form of photographic memories start appearing more and more in front of me. I could not simply ignore them. It was like an old ghost that would not leave the house, trying to send a message. It brought me into a place of much reflection with my relationship with him and others. 

Now, I do understand that many friends, co-workers, and sometimes family, will come in and out of our lives. That is a part of this road we are all on. I like to say that people come and play a part of our individual stories, and some stay for a sentence, some a paragraph, others a chapter, and a select few will stay for the whole novel. That can be difficult in life, to see so many come and go, but it does not mean that those people are any more or less important on our journey. Every person I have encountered has shaped me and who I am in one form or another. 

So, I reconnected with my friend that I hurt. I reached out to him. One thing that prompted me to do so was after my recent book launch. It was a beautiful event, and the people that came brought a lot of meaning to the evening. With that, there were people that did not show that made me reflect on my relationship with them. I always say, we prioritize things and people that are meaningful to us. In reflection, I realize my friend would have been there. He would have made every attempt to join me on that special evening where I got to celebrate the letters I wrote to my mother. He has supported me in the past, showing up to mental health talks where I was the keynote speaker and book events. I too supported him in his endeavors, and when he had his struggles, which life throws at us all, I was there for him. I never questioned if I was a good friend to him because I tried to show it through my actions, but what I realized in my reflection is that he did too. He had been a good friend to me. We shared time together, real time, that is meaningful. Experiences. We ran races, endured pain, and had genuine conversations about life and all that comes with it. I let it go within a moment, a few words on a text, and I had to come to terms with myself that my actions were unfair to him. Yes, I was in pain. I was a man, a son, grieving heavily for his mother, and I realized in my moment of stubbornness that I was also acting much like my mother has in her life with people she cared about. She too abruptly left people, leaving relationships, but the difference is that she struggled to reflect and admit that she played a part in the disconnect with the people that she had struggled with. 

I was fortunate that my friend wanted to see me. Much of our time reconnecting, we picked up from where we left off, and as I listened to him I realized what a waste it was for me to remove myself from his life. It was wasted time being away from one another for no real reason. I owned my actions. I told him I was unfair to him. I apologized. There were no hard feelings from either one of us. 

I came home and told my wife about our conversation. I believe she knew this time would come. She has patiently waited in the past as my stubbornness had to dissipate for me to face myself fully so I could see more clearly. I told her that I took responsibility and owned it, and that I would not be the man I think I am, or the man I am trying to be, without owning my part. Then, trying to hold back tears, I told her, “I hurt him. I could see it in his face and hear it in his voice. He said he talked about the text I sent him in therapy. I hurt my friend,” I said. 

“You’re so hard on yourself,” she said. 

It is true. I am very hard on myself. However, I do not want to be someone who causes others any heartache. I do not want to cause anyone pain. I hurt my friend and that was unacceptable. Yes, I am human, and as a writer, I often study the human condition to write about it. With that, I have also shared my own stories, been vulnerable, in order to understand myself and my own imperfections. How can we approve if we do not look closely at ourselves?  

I believe we are allowed to make mistakes. I tell students this all the time. However, it is up to us to learn from those mistakes and make them right if we can. Often, that takes putting our pride, and more importantly, our ego aside, and simply admitting that we were wrong. We cannot control what others say or do to us, but we can control how we respond, what we say, and our own actions. It’s something I try to remember and practice daily. I will make more mistakes in my life, and I hope that I have the character enough to correct those mistakes. To act with humility and try to listen compassionately to understand instead of judge, or to make a wrong perception. Wrong perceptions are often the source of many problems. If I am becoming the person I hope to be, growing as a man. and practicing the philosophies that help guide me, I should be able to avoid hurting others that I care about, and maybe even more importantly, not hurting people I care less for because that may be even harder. That would come close to living with virtue and honor. 

I care for my friend and I am grateful to reconnect and bring one another back into each other’s story. Perhaps, instead of several chapters, we will now be part of one another’s novel? As I said to him, "Sometimes, we hurt the people we care about most.” 

Reach out to someone that you have hurt. Tell them how you feel, own it, and apologize. Grow from it, and if you are lucky, the person will accept your apology and then you can grow together. Sure, there's always two sides to a story, two faces, two mouths talking, two ears listening, just don't feel like your side is the most important and maybe it will stop you from hurting a friend.

Peace!