It has been twenty-years since I lost my friend, David, to suicide. Over the years, I have written about this experience, trying to articulate and reason with the pain. I am not sure I ever have or will. There’s a different kind of pain when someone you love takes their own life, and I loved my friend. It’s a pain that leaves you with so many unanswered questions. I have come to many conclusions, and one was that there was absolutely nothing I could have done about it. I tried like hell to help my friend, but when someone gets to that point where they see no other way out, if they want to go through with it, they will. I decided today, on this anniversary day of his death, that I wanted to write about life instead.
Anniversary dates of those who have left us can hit differently from year-to-year. It has been almost a year since my mother passed. I am not sure how I will feel when I wake up on August 31st. I imagine it will be like many other mornings throughout this past year that I'll either cry, go into the room where many of her paintings are and examine them with eyes of love from a son who often agonizes over her death, or I will sit with it and tend to my grief. I will most likely spend some time in the woods walking among the trees trying to feel her presence.
On this day, David’s day, I want to think about life and what that means to me. Perhaps these thoughts will help someone else think about how they want to live their own life. Maybe someone will open this piece of writing and something will resonate with them. If so, I hope they share it. I hope it helps them reflect and become more self-aware of how they are living. Here are some thoughts on living a good life. Be mindful, I am fifty-four and all that means to me is that I have gained more wisdom than I had twenty-years ago, and that I currently do not have the wisdom that I will possess if I am fortunate enough to live another twenty.
A few thoughts.
Find that person who makes you laugh and hang onto them with all of your might. I try to make my wife laugh. I have done so for most of our time here on this journey together. She also makes me laugh. It’s many things, the private things that only I know about. Those are the good things. The lovely, beautiful things that make a relationship work. With laughter, there will also be sorrow, so you have to remember that and be supportive. Laughter will return. It seems no matter the suffering, that the subtle giggles or the belly laughs that make you ache, always return. It’s the beauty of impermanence.
With that, never wake up in the morning, leave a phone call, or go to bed at night, without telling your significant other that you love them. I often ask my wife, “Do you know how much you are loved?” I don’t want her to just hear it, but feel it. If that answer ever came back “No” or “Maybe” then I am not being the husband that she needs. There really is not anything more important in life than having the person that you care about most know and acknowledge that they are loved. To me, the rest is all material.
Live for the moment. I have been practicing this for years now, trying to be mindful, reminding myself that the moment is all I have. It has helped me appreciate my life more, especially the simple things that actually make up a good life. What are those simple things? A few I can think of: Holding hands with Karen, watching a sunset fall beneath the trees or seemingly into the ocean. It’s looking the person you love directly in the eyes and being amazed at the color they hold. It’s taking the time to make love and do it well, with meaning, knowing that there is always more to be discovered. The moment when you discover a new musician or writer that makes you feel something that you have not felt in a long time or ever before. Sitting with a dog who leans up against you and then stroking their ears. Then, the look in that dog’s eyes when you know their love is truly unconditional. Having conversations with someone that gives you hope for the world. Offering empathy and not expecting anything in return. Finding that perfect piece of dark chocolate. The changing breeze and smell of each season. The simple things are the loveliest.
Do not waste time. What that means for each person may vary. For me, it’s wasting time on trivial things like anger. Leave anger behind. It does nothing but make you bitter and serves little purpose. Of course, anger is a natural emotion. It is something we all feel, but getting stuck in anger is dangerous for your body and mind. It is dangerous for your personal growth. Perhaps, I should rephrase and say, sit with your anger, like any emotion, and understand it. Anger will take your youth because it wastes time. If you have a lot of anger, you will eventually understand this.
With anger comes violence. There are many who seem to talk a lot about violence, those keyboard warriors who have many insecurities. They are the road ragers and ones who are currently calling for revolution. Don’t be like them. Unless you have either been trained for violence and war, or have experienced it firsthand, you really have no idea how awful it can be. Remember that next time you think you should take your anger out on someone else.
For me, to long for something I have no control over is a waste of time. To long for material want or gain is fruitless. It does not matter. Making the most of my day, taking care of my body and mind by exercise and study are time savers. They are the things that help us develop and grow. Sitting aimlessly watching show after show go by on the television and then hoping for better health, and doing absolutely nothing to help yourself, is a waste. You have this one body. It is yours to take care of. There are so many time wasters, and most of us know what they are and when we’re doing it. It’s the power of procrastination. You get back time when you develop discipline and discipline is essential for achieving what you want in life.
Time does not stop. It will continue to go by and it’s up to you to make the most of it. You have a choice in who you spend your time with and how you spend your day. You have more control over your life than you think. Choose wisely how you spend your time and who and what you spend it on. The clock is ticking and you are dying with every second that passes. That is liberating if you think about it.
The older you get, the faster time seems to go by. In reality it doesn’t, there are still twenty-four hours in each day. It’s how you spend them that counts.
Embrace failure. It is difficult to do, but you will fail and it is not a bad thing. As I tell my students, “Failure and mistakes are not a bad thing, but not learning from them is.” Adversity builds resilience and character. Resilience is necessary for life. Read that last part again and then make a plan to build resilience preparing yourself for the times that will make you suffer.
Your health is worth more than money. Human greed is a thing that seems out of control to me. I see it all the time. Someday, when you are on your deathbed, I guarantee you that you will not be thinking about the car that you drove or the paycheck that you made. Yes, money is necessary but if you base your own worth on the dollar signs of your paycheck, it may be time to be more self-reflective. If you base someone else’s worth on their material items and the size of their home, it may be time to look inward at your judgment of others and do some self-examination. I promise you that when you are taking your last breaths no one will say, “Man, she/he was rich and drove an awesome car.” They will think about how you made them feel and your character. Watch what you sacrifice to fill someone else’s pockets, or even your own. If you lose your health, you lose just about everything.
Forgiveness is powerful. We all hold onto anger or bitterness for something that someone did to us. I was abused in many different ways by a man who I could not escape until he died. The hurt and anger I held onto for years later tore me up inside. It was a part of my trauma, depression, anxiety, and panic. When I forgave, I started to heal. Forgiveness is a gift for yourself. It does not take away what happened to you, but it will help you build resilience in your life. There have been many people, jobs, situations, and so on that I had to look inward and find forgiveness so I could move on with my life. Forgiving gives you back control.
There is power in letting go. Let go of the things that you cannot control. Let go of the past. The past has already happened. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it. When you put this into practice, you free so much more space up in your mind and life for more productive things. Things like self-improvement.
Know that you will have loss in your life. The great connector, no matter how much division there is in this world, is grief and loss. We have or will lose someone we love. Be mindful of that. Be aware that the person that sits across from you will not always be there. The friends you have now will not always be there. Your parents, siblings, children, or spouse may die before you do. This is not a morbid thought, but a reality that will bring you closer to them and the meaning of life, which is love. When you look at the people you care about most and realize that they could be gone in a whisper, you will hopefully realize how precious your time is with them. Don’t waste those moments. Embrace them.
I miss my friend, David. It has been twenty years since he died, and there is hardly a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. I see his bike jersey that hangs in my closet and it makes me long for a ride with my old friend. I miss everyone that I have lost and wish I had more time with them all, including, and often especially, pets. With that, it also makes me wonder why the people that I still have in my life, the living, do not take the time they have with you more seriously. It’s as if all of us take life and death for granted. We think we have time when in reality we do not. Time will run out when it should, and then you will be sitting with a heavy heart wishing that person was there with you now.
In the end, life is about spiritual integrity. You will one day leave all of your worries behind and be whole again, like you were when you were born. That is when you will have peace. However, why wait for peace when much of it is attainable now.
Don't Let The Hard Days Win!
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