Depression Talks

I wanted to take a moment to discuss the internal dialogue that often accompanies depression. For one, it is a cruel bastard. When the darkness comes, you can tell yourself, often while staring in the mirror, eyes red from insomnia and tears, some horrible things. Things that if anyone else said to you would be plenty of reason to end the relationship. That too is something that is often difficult with depression, not ending the relationship with yourself. 

I have sat in the mirror, staring back at myself through tired eyes and muffled the words, “You’re a piece of shit that doesn’t deserve anything good.” Now, for those of you that do not struggle with depression, you may be shocked to see those words. If you have depression, you most likely can relate. 

There are times when I have sat at work and stared at the computer screen or the books on a shelf and thought, “Who the fuck are you to think you should be an educator? These kids and all of the staff would be better off if you never stepped foot through the doors of the school. Vanish and make them all happy.” 

There are other times that you can be with friends or family and you tell yourself, “They’d probably all be better off if I just disappeared. They don’t need me and they don’t care about me at all.” 

Then, the cruelest one of all. You sit across from the love of your life. Someone who makes you grateful when you wake up every day and see them by your side. Their eyes staring back at you. A familiar hand that grasps yours, and without words, you know you are loved by their actions. When depressed, you know that you are loved. You can still feel it, but you don’t think you deserve it. The dialogue may go something like this, “I’m a burden to her. She would have a better life without me. She’s wasted so many years with this broken man. I should just leave and give her peace.” 

There are times when the internal dialogue comes out and you say the things in your head aloud. For instance, you may be cutting down a tree in front of your house and when your love comes out to check on you the words spill out, “This tree is broken, dead inside, and needs to be discarded, just like me.” A moment later you may realize what you just said and try to laugh it off. You try your silly antics, bringing laughter to the spaces you are in, but your love knows it’s an act. 

I have spent much of my adult life being transparent and vulnerable to the harm that depression can cause. I do so to bring awareness and to make people that are suffering feel less alone, and to fight the stigmas or people thinking depression is simply sadness or someone feeling sorry for themselves, wanting sympathy. Mostly, I want people to understand that it is impermanent. Yes, you may be depressed for the remainder of your life, as I will, but it does not have to ruin you. That shitty, cruel dialogue does not have to consume you. It is temporary. What is important is to know the storm in your mind will end, at least until the next bout comes back around to disrupt your life. 

It is also crucial for the people in your life, whether it is work, friends, family, or a blue eyed girl who you love until you literally ache, understands you. They do not need to say anything or validate that you are indeed not a “burden” or “broken” or a “piece of dead wood that needs to be discarded.” All they need to do is be present, sit with you, and give you the space and time without judgment in order to swim out of the dark riptide that your mind is in. Sometimes their love is your light. 

There is something that I have started to add to my mental health talks, and I often get surprised looks before many heads start to nod. You can have all the support in the world, but you have to do the work to take care of yourself. No one is coming to save you, so learning skills to build a great deal of resilience is crucial to living a good life. I often conclude my talks with, “I am happy.” This too has surprised people. With trauma and all of the loss in my life, they are surprised to hear me say that I love life. I am happy, but I also know that my depression, anxiety, panic, and possible suicidal ideation may come for a visit. I have built a foundation through my fifty-five years to blend with the suffering. It’s become an unsequenced dance, though a few familiar steps are rehearsed. To me, depression is no different from grieving. The losses have added up over the years, and losing my mother on August 31st, 2023, was devastating to me. At times, I find myself going through every stage of grief within a single day. As with my depression, the same coping strategies also help with surviving loss. Resilience is key to taking a full breath and walking with sturdy legs.

On my good days my internal dialogue tells me, “You have been put on this earth to help others. That is your purpose, so go and do so with a full heart.”