In the past week I have heard from a few people that are struggling with their mental health. They have reached out using language like, “I feel like a burden” or “I’ve hit bottom and don’t know what else to do.” They are at the edge, wondering if life is worth living. It’s a dreadful feeling to wonder if the world and the people around you would be better off if you killed yourself.
I have never claimed to have the answers for depression or anxiety, and I certainly don’t have the answer to surviving suicidal ideation. I don’t think anyone does. Otherwise, we would have a bunch of shiny, happy people walking around singing and dancing. It would be too simplistic to simply say, “Hang on, this too shall pass.” The hell that your mind is going through when you are in the darkest of places in your mind doesn’t hear encouraging words. When suicidal ideation hits, you grasp for everything you can to hang on. You want to live, and you try to keep your reasons for living close, within your vision, but the depressed brain is tricky. It wants to tell you how worthless you are.
There have been many times over the years where I thought about leaving this world. It is during those times where I question my self-worth and convince myself that I do not deserve happiness or love. I tell myself that no one wants me around and that I would do everyone a favor by vanishing. Oh, this isn’t self pity. If that thought entered your mind, that comes from the harmful stigmas that we need to stop. The internal dialogue that people with mental illness have with themselves is often torturous.
I have written and spoken about my experiences and I have often shared what I do to cope. I share because I hope that it is helping. I often am unsure if anyone is reading anything I write, but then all of a sudden, I receive a message from someone telling me their experience and that they know I understand. When you are struggling, knowing you are not alone in the world can help. Depression and anxiety are incredibly lonely illnesses.
A quick story about what led me to creating my circle map . Years ago, I was in a stressful position, working with many toxic adults, many of whom have now departed from their positions. These were people who created a fear based environment, and I found myself having to stand up to them for the sake of others, especially women. In truth, the division with my team and I started early on because I spoke up about some unethical behavior that I witnessed. People do not like being confronted on their actions, especially when it should have gotten them fired. Basically, I was gaslighted and the issues were swept under the rug. Unfortunately, it was the beginning of the end. It’s hard to recoup when you see these things tolerated and then you are treated like an outsider.
A quick note, one has to develop their virtues and then stand tall with them, no matter what. I have witnessed some unethical behaviors in my career and I could have just stepped aside hoping it would go away or someone else would have spoken up. That would have been the easiest thing to do for my mental health. I just can’t. It’s not in my nature to sit back and witness bad things happening to people and then remain silent.
My last year in that position, I started to get anxiety and multiple panic attacks every week. The stress made my blood pressure high and my mental health was sinking fast. I felt like I was losing control. My symptoms mimicked certain neurological diseases, so they sent me in for any MRI. After all the tests, I found out everything I was feeling was anxiety. I underestimated how powerful it could be. I told my assistant principal because I wanted to be transparent and he said, “Maybe you should just give notice.” Yes, highly illegal but I just shook my head at him, went into my office and called the superintendent, who I trusted, and told him what was just said to me. He was in the school within moments. The fracture in my position continued. I have had trauma most of my life, and this experience was feeling much like trauma. Finally, after I gave notice I was determined to get my life back.
I believe most depression and anxiety has underlying causes. There was some event or incident that started the response from our thoughts, which then turned them to a darker place. It is why we need to protect ourselves from toxic people and situations. It is why we need to build our resilience.
I sat down with a piece of paper and drew a circle. I then started to go around the circle and list everything that I do to cope and build resilience. In my mind, I wanted it to go in a circle because the strategies I had were ever evolving, and sometimes one worked better than the other. I have never been someone that thinks we can do one thing for our mental health, like take a pill, and everything will be okay. We need a well rounded approach. So, I started to list all of the things that have helped me. As I said, my map has evolved so I have added a few things to it: Reiki, TRE (Trauma Release Exercises), and Stoicism are some things that I have been doing lately that have been helpful. What I call, “The art of letting go,” and worrying about what I can control and less about what I can’t has been extremely useful. It’s like a mantra now, a language, and different dialogue that I tell myself. We need to reframe our thoughts in order to find happiness. It's training, not unlike working out to become more physically fit.
I have also looked back at the times when I have caused myself problems, or the decisions I made caused more stress in my life. Taking responsibility for our actions, even when we thought we were doing the right thing, can be a powerful practice. It’s hard for people to admit they were wrong or made a mistake. I say accept it all and learn from it. After all, we are defined by our actions, good or bad. I also looked back at the times when I knew I was about to make my life more difficult: For instance, the story from above, starting a Black Student Union in a very conservative, white school, telling leaders they were in the wrong with how they were treating staff, telling staff they were not welcome in my classroom anymore because they were creating unnecessary stress on students, and the list goes on. I am by no means a saint, but I do stand beside a certain set of principles, even if it makes my life hell.
Below is the first outline of my Circle Map that I created in 2017. I have shown this when I speak to mental health groups, and they seem to get a lot from it. When I look at it, I realize that it is very simplistic, but then sometimes the simple, straightforward things are most helpful. These are things that have helped me withstand the storms in my mind and the stress of life. It is a reminder for me because when our minds are in the turmoil of mental illness, it can be hard to remember the healthy things that we need to do to build resilience and survive. I keep my circle map close.

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