Some of you may recognize this, others will recognize it in people that you know carry the weight of depression, and then many, if you even read past the title, will struggle to accept that this happens because society's stigmas have been established with you in some way and you believe them. Is that a bad way to start? Maybe that last part seemed too challenging? Well, it’s part of the exhaustion of coping with the darkness of depression. Depressives wonder if anyone believes them or understands them when they are fighting the monster?
One of the most difficult things about depression is trying to act like a “normal” human. You get up in the morning, get ready for work or school, head out the door, go through the monotony of your day, dragging yourself around by the collar, force yourself to interact with others, try to do something that you know deep down will help you but you’re exhausted by this point, and then you come home and collapse. You sit and stare, wondering when this will lift. Oh, there will be some that will say, “This is my life every day and I don’t have depression. Stop whining!” If you know these people, stay clear and pray for them to never get the beast of depression in their head because they would struggle on a deeper level.
“Wait!” You tell yourself. You heard a clip from some podcast that loves to have UFC fighters and strong men on there talking about how masculine they are, that you should just go exercise and everything will be okay. They tell you that if you challenge your body enough that you will be done with all your thoughts and magically feel better, so then you think, am I doing something wrong? You may even think, I have a lifetime of exercise and events that you know would put many of these men to shame, and that you have overcome so many physical, mental, and emotional challenges along the way, that it would make a grown man submit. So, you go into your basement and do a workout that was designed by a Green Beret, but when you emerge, the monster is still there. What went wrong? The podcast told you it would all be okay.
Then, you force yourself up at 4:15am. You do the things that are supposed to motivate you and make you more content with life. You may practice yoga, read from an inspiring book, and create. Yet, your mind wanders and wonders. It wanders into past hills that you have climbed, when the same darkness has laid on your shoulders, whispering in your ear, “You worthless piece of shit, I told you I would be back to ruin you.” Then, you wonder, “Am I worthy of anything good?”
You leave for work, these thoughts rolling in your head as you see yourself, as if outside the car window looking in, putting the car in reverse, Springsteen mumbling on your playlist, and you drive the same route you have for weeks, knowing it by feel and heart and the closer you get to your destination, you realize it’s almost time to start acting. It is time to pretend you are human and enjoy your job and relationships and all of the weight of conversations and problems that everyone is bringing you. You force a smile and a nod of your head. You force kind words, actually, you force any words. It is all exhausting, this grand performance, and the exhaustion opens you up for more darkness because your defenses are down. All of the coping mechanisms that you have put in place, your fucking map that you have preached for others to use, is just spinning in circles like a damn roulette wheel. Where will it stop? What will be the next thing you gamble on that is supposed to help you? Will it be exercise or yoga? Will you meditate? Talk to your therapist? Up your meds? Take a walk in nature? Try acupuncture and Reiki? Soak in the cold showers that are supposed to bring you out of this dark place that you are in? Will mindfulness help you this time around? Or, do you just ignore it and fake being human? One never knows. Sometimes you just need to hang on tight for the ride until it stops, leaving you dizzy and nauseous. Yes, hang on and act human so others feel better around you. You don’t want to upset the masses, the people who shuffle around all day acting like their priorities are the most important thing on your plate. Fake it! Fake it all, like you are an actor in a play, trying to remember how you rehearsed your role.
When depression hits, it throws a right hook to the sweet spot of the jaw that numbs your mind and sometimes knocks you out. It challenges you in every way, and tries to break through all of the armor that you built to fight it, and exhaust you. It takes away all of your energy and purpose, and puts you in a place where you finally decide staying quiet, pretending like you are in a chess match with the beast, is your best tactic. You will use all your mental energy for this match, and it will drain you, but it’s your best bet for now. The problem is, you just wish people understood how difficult it is to walk around all day, every day, acting human, as if you care about all of your responsibilities. Even the smile you offer someone is a feat and moments after they leave your presence you become fatigued again by the simple gesture. Then, you wonder if your gesture was enough? Are you enough? It creeps in your head that everything that is good in your life, you do not deserve. So, you pretend to be walking around in functioning skin.
Maybe you just keep shuffling your feet through the motions and pull out that damn map of yours that reminds you what you do to cope and keep going. Perhaps in a week or so, you will know your role again and have to stop forcing yourself to be human. You suddenly feel the need to apologize for being this way. I am sorry!
