There are times of the year that the loss of the person, or person’s, that you love will hit a little harder. It will be birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. It could just be a special day that was all your own, one that has no significance on the calendar or anyone else, but only for you and the person you lost. Some of those times when you grieve the hardest, it will be a certain smell or maybe going on a country drive and a song comes on that you both sang to. I guarantee if I smelled chicken and dumplings, southern made, I would most likely break down and sob, and then feast.
Grief is often difficult to explain. It is a feeling like no other, where you can literally be smiling one moment and the next a story comes up, your loved one being the main character of the story, and tears visit your eyes quickly. Often those tears are followed by a smile because you realize how much you were loved and offered your love in return. There is absolutely no greater gift than love, and grief is love. Life is not complete without both.
This will be my second Christmas without my mom. I have been thinking about her more lately, and talking with her. I sit in front of her paintings in our yoga room and meditate to the thought of her, and I swear she is near. I can feel a sensation around my shoulders from one of her hugs. I sit there hesitant to move, not wanting that feeling to go away. That secure feeling that only a mother’s hug can offer, but I know that I need to move. I need to flow from pose to pose, keeping my body active and mobile so I can be here for the people that are still breathing near me. As I move, her presence is there. In fact, there have been mornings where I feel them all, every single person that has held a space in my heart and that I have lost: Dad, Charlotte, David, Richard, Dave, Shadow, Angel, Ziggy, Ernie, Chloe, Payton, Hazel, and Maddie. I think about my grandparents, most of whom I did not know well, but when I look in the mirror I see parts of them on my face. It often feels like they surround me, especially those dark times when I need them most. The times when depression visits and sits hard, bringing the fog to my brain and senses. It is during these times that they stay with me a little longer. There is nothing wrong with calling on the dead when you need them most. In fact, I believe that my sister, Charlotte, may have saved my life a couple of years ago. I drifted a little too far into the depths of my darkness that day, and she came to me in a dream, one where I thought I had died, but I now believe she was bringing me back to life. I sometimes believe it was her hand, not mine, that turned the key and lifted me up to walk back into my house to live another day.
Christmas can be a difficult time for many. It brings up thoughts and feelings of who we have lost in our lives, whether they are dead or still living. We think of our past and we think of the present reality of our life and the things we wish we could change. Many people are lonely, and many have little means to have a holiday meal. Some pray for the gift of love, and others for socks. Yes, socks because they are a basic need that many take for granted, just like love, and love should never be taken for granted.
This holiday season has been different for me. Like many things in life, it is how we approach the situation we are faced with and the mindset we bring to the situation. Much of that comes with daily practice and conditioning. I try to approach grief knowing that I was blessed to be loved so much. I miss my mom because she loved Christmas ,and ever since I was a kid, she made it special. However, I realize how fortunate I was to have a mother that loved me so much to take the time to make Christmas special. Those are memories I will cherish for the remainder of my life. I also realize that there is absolutely nothing I can do about the past and events that have happened. There is also no need to worry about the future and things that have not even occurred. All that does is produce unneeded anxiety and suffering. My mom would not want that for me. She would want me to celebrate this holiday. What I do have is the present moment. I have my wife, family, dog, and friends. I have my mother-in-law coming over for the next two days to celebrate Christmas with us, and that in itself is a blessing. At eighty-seven, it is a gift to have her.
Life is a gift and each day we get to unwrap it slowly, breathing it all in, mindful of all the joy and aware of the suffering, and accepting it all fully.
I will sit this Christmas and take some time to think about my mom and all who I have lost, and I am certain to shed a tear for them. I will shed a tear for the love they offered. I will also sit surrounded by the living. The people who honor me with their presence. The people who take time from their life because they think I am important enough to spend it with, and for that I am truly grateful.
Merry Christmas! Never forget, you grieve because you have loved and have been loved. What a wonderful gift to have in this lifetime.
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