Gratitude and Coping With Anxiety In Uncertain Times

“We suffer more in imagination than in reality.” -Seneca

We are in trying times with our political climate. There is no denying that no matter which side you find yourself on. We have all been witness to chaos, mostly intentional and rehearsed chaos, meant to distract us and cause us a great deal of fear and uncertainty. Unless you are an extremist, I believe most of us can agree on this. With that, there is also life that continues to roll along, which can also bring with it stress, worry, and fear. It can feel daunting for many, and I see and hear this often with friends, family, colleagues, and from perfect strangers. I believe that we do not have to allow this in our lives by taking some measures to protect ourselves. It is a practice really, a mindset to build resilience, and with that, take some control back over our own emotions and feelings. 

Many of us who struggle with our mental health, which is becoming more and more common, and we know the many things that are recommended to care for ourselves and cope: Breathwork, exercise, therapy, nutrition, medication, and the list goes on. However, I am someone who has tried and currently practices many of the “normal” coping strategies daily. Yes, they do help, but to me our mindset and reframing our thoughts and actions is the most powerful and long-lasting practice that we can put into place. Even if you don’t have a clinically diagnosed mental illness like depression or anxiety, changing your mindset and how you approach adversity helps. 

Hard times and suffering will come for everyone eventually. Some will be ready and others not. One of my daily practices is to recognize that suffering is a part of life, and we cannot have joy and happiness without it. I learned that from the writings of Thich Nhat Hahn. For me, that one thought or statement has become extremely powerful when navigating those hard times in life when it can seem daunting. To sit in total acceptance and realize that suffering is normal, just as joy is normal. To deny it, is to deny ourselves. 

You cannot escape yourself or your circumstances. You must deal with them head-on, which is where acceptance comes into play. For example, when my anxiety has been bad, or even full blown panic, if I attempt to deny it, it gets worse. The problem is not going away without me acknowledging it fully. Denying it makes things worse, not better. When I figured this out, my anxiety, panic, depression, and trauma, all became more manageable. It is the same with loss and grief. I have experienced a good deal of death. My most recent personal loss has been my mother. Her loss has been the most difficult at this point in my life, and there have been days when I have sat silently in disbelief or screaming in my own mind like a madman. However, even after her death, I had to come to a place of acceptance in order to start my own healing. I even found gratitude within this time, which I will discuss more about later. Mostly, I had to tend to my grief and care for it, not deny it. I allow all of my emotions to come and understand that I should not judge my grief because as long as I am not being self-destructive or destructive to others, that there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. 

Something very important that I have learned from the Stoic philosophers is that there is very little under our control. When we try to control everything, from other people’s actions, to their beliefs, and what comes out of their mouths, it causes anger and frustration. It causes stress, which often is the base layer of anxiety. In truth, we can only control our own actions and how we respond to others. That is it. Understand this and it relieves a lot of stress. It does not mean that you do not care, but it allows you to maintain energy for the things that matter instead of becoming exhausted by things you have no power over. Once you recognize that you cannot control the outcome of everything, it liberates you to put your energy into events and people that matter. Remember, not everything or everyone is worthy of your attention.

Anxiety is often caused by worrying about something that has not even happened yet. Seneca writes, “Each person is as miserable as he imagines himself to be.” 

Fear of the unknown is powerful, so take that power back. A good practice is to think about worst case scenarios and then prepare for them in a rational way. In the United States right now, there is a lot of fear. We see people being rounded up off the streets and taken away without trial. We see an irrational man at the helm, leading other irrational men and women to what seems like an authoritarian regime. We see fear in people that even voted for this administration because they are now being impacted. I believe the tides are turning, but there is fear that it is too late. How much damage has already been done? How much more damage will be allowed? There are still many supporters of this administration who feel that it has done no wrong. They will eventually when either someone they love is negatively impacted, or they are themselves. I understand why an irrational leader, who continues to flip flop back and forth, making decisions that are creating chaos for the entire world, not just America, would cause a great deal of fear. However, I believe taking a different mindset is helpful. I refuse to let someone else have control over me, no matter who that person is. I have the belief that no one can harm me unless I let them. This may be difficult for some to understand, but practice this mindset often because it does give you a great deal of control over your life and the events taking place. I have done this in my personal and work life as well. I have seen unethical or unresponsive leadership throughout my life, and I have never been afraid to challenge it if it was the morally responsible thing to do. Many do not like it when they are challenged or the mirror is held up in front of them, but I do not allow them to harm me. If they take my job, I will find another. If they try to ruin my reputation for doing something to help others, I then evaluate my conduct and realize that those I helped will hold me in high regard. Don’t become so exhausted with the world that you forget to live or forget that some fights are worth it.

A few more thoughts on what causes fear, stress, and anxiety.

Many fear death, which causes them a great deal of anxiety and suffering. Think about this for a moment. We are all immortal and owe a death. Why fear something that you absolutely cannot control? Instead, focus on the life you are living and the moments that you have. Find purpose in your life, and move towards that purpose. That is a worthwhile journey. I believe that being awake to the possibility of my death and the death of those around me, allows me to live with more gratitude and purpose. It is wonderful to think about my death, realizing that my time is not infinite. It lights a fire under me to make sure I am living a life that is worthy of the one my mother gave to me. 

We often compare our lives to others, usually in a material way. Well, death makes us all equal in the end. Why not focus on good character and morals, and being a compassionate, empathetic person. In the end, no one will care about your large house, wealth, the car you drove, or the watch you wore. They will care about how you made them feel and how you conducted yourself in this life. Live it with virtue and you will die well. 

Remember, some things are up to us and others are not. Death is not up to us. It will happen when it is ready. Put your energy into living a good life and being grateful for those around you. 

Some dialogue to get rid of to help your anxiety. Be aware anytime you use the words, “What if?” When what if enters your dialogue, it usually means that you have entered a place of guessing or fortune telling. The “what ifs” bring uncertainty and often judgment. Challenge yourself whenever you use, “What if?” Instead, bring attention and mindfulness to your judgments. Sit with them.

Forgive. Forgiveness is powerful and gives you back control. You do not have to agree with everyone, and perhaps you have been harmed, but if you sit in that place, you become a victim instead of taking back control. My dad was once my greatest nemesis in life. At one time, I thought he wanted to ruin me, and maybe that was true. However, I sat with the abuse he delivered and that I endured, and I realized that if I continued to let him hurt me it was what the Buddhist call, “The second arrow.” The parable of the second arrow is a well-known Buddhist story about dealing with suffering more skilfully. It is said the Buddha once asked a student, “If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful? If the person is struck by a second arrow, is it even more painful?”

He then went on to explain, “In life, we can’t always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. This second arrow is optional.”

This was, and has always been powerful for me to understand, that my dad’s abuse, or any other trauma, was a first arrow, the initial act, and the second arrow was the thoughts, time, and power that I allowed it to have. The second arrow is often more harmful because it continues over time. I simply became stubborn in my life and decided I wanted to take control over my suffering and not let my suffering control me. Mostly, I wanted to understand it. This is not always easy, but a worthwhile journey. Connect deeply with your suffering because then you are connecting with yourself. 

Let’s shift to gratitude. People are often consumed with the past, jealous, envious, stuck in anger, and terrified of their future. Thich Nhat Hahn calls these people “walking corpses” because they are not truly alive. Gratitude can help. Without gratitude, compassion, empathy, morals, and high character, an empire can be destroyed quickly, and so can an individual. I think we are experiencing this in America.

Gratitude is a form of love. As I mentioned earlier with my mother’s death, I also found gratitude with the pain of her dying. Why? Like gratitude, grief is also a form of love. We grieve because we loved and were loved. What a wonderful thing it is then to be loved so much that we grieve for that person. This is acceptance to loss and also a more positive way to reframe my thoughts. I do this because I know my mother, my sister, friends, dogs, and even my father, would not want me to ruin my life by grieving. They would want me to live well, developing the best character that I could. 

One must be grateful for simply being alive. The time we have now is ours, so make the most of it. Appreciate the wonders that you have around you and the people that you have allowed in your life. Be choosy with who those people are, but then be grateful for them. 

When was the last time you told someone that you appreciate them? When was the last time you told someone how much you cared for them and did not expect anything in return? When was the last time you wrote someone a note or letter and told them you were grateful for them? Be mindful of your gratitude and who you are grateful for because those people will not always be around. Do not take them for granted. 

Enjoy the simple moments, like holding your loved ones hand, going for a casual stroll, or sipping coffee and having a meaningful conversation. Joy and gratitude comes from awareness. Be aware of the people you are with and the moment you are in. Do not let your life drift by without being mindful of it. Look around you and you will see people that are rushing through their moments in life, unaware of one another and themselves. 

When you stop being enslaved by false judgments of others, you become more grateful. Our society can only function well if we love one another, accepting people for who they are, and developing strong character and strong virtues. Be full of love for others because the world can seem mean at times. It does right now and meanness is being modeled for us by insecure people who lack character and have a broken compass. 

Remember, happiness is up to us. Transform your thoughts and reframe the dialogue in your head that makes you suffer. For those of you that read this far and did not like any political statements that I made, that is okay. That is for you to reflect on and to judge your own character. Your negative thoughts are yours and for you to deal with because I have taken the words I have stated here and put them into practice. That gives me a great deal of freedom over the immoral, unethical behavior I am seeing unfold daily. The choreographed chaos has no impact on me because in the end, I understand that I stand on the side of gratitude and a higher moral ground. One day, you might understand, but I am afraid you must suffer first. I invite you to come back to this when you do suffer and read it all again because I do care about you as well. One must keep rational when there seems to be none. 

I leave you with this: “For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?” -Jesus. Think about this statement as you conduct yourself and as you hold your leaders, all leaders, accountable for their actions. More importantly, think about this as you hold yourself accountable. We are all human and therefore make mistakes and sometimes lack judgment, causing harm to others or ourselves, but with more self-awareness, gratitude, and forgiveness, we can ease our pain.