Dear Men,
Your pain is real. It is there within you, deep, where you are concealing it from the world. It is buried in that place where the wolves howl in the dark and then feed off your flesh. It’s where there is no mercy because the world will no longer show you that, if they ever have. You are a pawn in their game. Hang on!
Dear Men,
I have felt and seen your pain. You hold it in your shoulders, tight, so much so that it starts to crush your chest, leaving little room to catch a full breath. You hold your tension in a clenched jaw where the anxiety of the hour is wreaking havoc on your smile and making you feel like the hand of God is strangling you, telling you that it’s time to turn in for the night, but the “night” is your life. Hang on!
Dear Men,
You beat the drum slowly, a death march into the darkness. The darkness being your mind, where the monsters play. The monsters are named depression and anger, anxiety and fear, pain and depletion, hate and forgiveness, rage and weakness. The darkness is where you go, the place you turn to see the inner you, the one you try to forget, but it is there, staring back with sharp teeth and ready for its feast. Once you accept that all of your emotions are in full form and then learn to control them, you will figure out how to survive a world that no longer wants you to. They await your death because it will give them more views and likes. Don’t give them the story or the power to make you their viral success. Hang on!
Dear Men,
You are sinking, overwhelmed, wondering if you are worthy, and if your emotions are shameful and should be subdued? Why did you let them appear, the emotions that draw so many stigmas? Why didn’t you just smile and laugh and say those dreadful words that have so much meaning but pass through the waxy ears of many, “I am fine.” Those three words have led to self-sacrifice produced by your hands, a murderous rage that you take out on yourself. You became a beast with horns, and it has torn you from the inside out with rabid claws. “I am fine.” The words bleed from your mouth. Are you fine? It is okay if you are not. Hang on!
Dear Men,
The media has told you that you are a burden to the world. You have been silenced. Maybe it was coming sooner or later and we weren’t prepared, but it has happened. It is why our boys are falling further behind, suppressing their every emotion deep with their adolescent bellies, not quite understanding why this hopelessness has happened. Not understanding why their voices have been taken or why the word “masculine” has been paralleled with “toxic.” How do you develop into a man if you are not allowed to be one? Hang on!
Dear Men,
When you say you are going to kill yourself they need to start listening. Do they not know you are finally speaking your truth because it’s all you have left? Have they not read the statistics that you follow through with vengeance on yourself? Men do not change their minds often, instead there is action. Action that you will make yourself a statistic. It’s something we are told not to talk about but we need to. It is a must because not talking about it has made it worse. It is a crisis. We are in a crisis. Haven’t they read the statistics? Don’t become a number where only thoughts and prayers are given and you are forgotten and replaced within three breaths. Hang on!
Dear Men,
You will have times of suffering and when it happens you will feel like you are letting everyone down. It is something the world doesn’t understand. Whether they like it or not, you feel responsible for those around you, the provider, the protector, and when you are not your towering self, a strong tree with a steady core, you feel like you have failed those you love. It is a knife that cuts out your self-esteem, leaving it broken in pieces on an unswept floor, and it frightens you to think you may not be able to provide what is needed. On top of this feeling, you live in a world where they will call this protector in you, “old fashioned,” but it is more than that. It is a primal instinct that goes back a thousand years, where you must use your strength to fend off those that try to harm you and the ones you are there for, the ones you love. And they are there, the predators. Your instinct says it is naïve to assume everyone has good intent. There are bad people in the world, doing the devil’s deeds. Yes, the world will try to take this instinct away from you and tell you it’s bad to be masculine, to be strong. They will want you to become one of the flock, the grazing sheep. Yet, if you are not the fierce protector you will be crucified for that as well, so then you start to become confused about your role. You will be subdued, restrained, and will start to ask, “Who am I supposed to be when they want me to be everything and nothing at the same time?" It's damned if you do, damned if you don’t society, so be who you are. Never stop being you. Hang on!
Dear Men,
True strength comes from showing kindness. It is being gentle with the ones you love and having them feel safe when they are in your presence. If you want to be a fierce warrior you must show empathy and compassion for the world because if you can do that, you will also show you have the confidence to be a man of virtue. You will not need to show the beast in you, and we all have a beast that could come out at any time. It is there, lying dormant, ready to wreak havoc. It is in us so you must keep it locked up in the cellar until you need the beast to do good, to protect those in need, and to survive. As a true man that has courage, you will develop a gentleness that welcomes all to your table. You will leave no one out, except the harmful ones who do not deserve your bread. You will grapple with yourself ,but let kindness conquer and you will be on your way to being a man with morals and integrity. Hang on!
Dear Men,
To develop, you will need to become a man of wisdom because the world will try to suffocate you with complex issues, so wisdom will help you navigate the obstacles. You will need courage to use your strength to do the right thing, both physically and morally, and in all circumstances you must never intentionally cause harm to others, unless it is needed to protect yourself or those you love. You must treat others with fairness and kindness and always look for those that do not receive it, the silent sufferers in the corner who society has forgotten, and give them your empathy. You must develop self control and be loyal to those that deserve it. Repeat it often, “Kindness is strength.” Hang on!
Dear Men,
Remember what is in your control and what is not, and then practice the art of letting go. It is okay to start to release your pain and tell yourself, “If my mind is strong enough to cause this, it is strong enough to let it go.” You can continue this journey of self-discovery by looking closely at who you have in your circle, the ones that you have allowed to be close to you. Then, take a moment and see if they were there when you were down, drowning in your mind, or did they stay away? Did they keep their distance because you were too hard to be around? If so, it will be time to start restructuring your loyalty group. This will be difficult, lonely even, but you will grow from it, coming closer to your true self. Hang on!
Dear Men,
There will come a time when you may look in the mirror and become unrecognizable to yourself. It will either be when the demons come, turning your face pale and your eyes black, leaving your skin tingling and cold, and you will be grasping to simply stay alive. This will be the first test. It will be the time when you will be at the cross-roads, or more likely, the edge of a cliff. Everything in you, from your amygdala to the weakness in your fingers, will make you focus on the pain. You will no longer be able to suppress it, and you will no longer be able to convince anyone, especially yourself, that you are fine. The broken thoughts will be those that you can no longer repair, or so you thought. This is when the second test comes. It is when you will ask yourself, “What have I become and what do I want to become?” This will be where you back away from the edge of the cliff and turn to the open meadow, where the breeze is warm on your face and offers you some clarity. It will be an odd feeling because you have been imprisoned in the darkness of the greatest enemy known to man, your own mind. However, you turn the enemy mind into an ally, where you know you can overcome any battle. For once, you will rise and stand tall realizing that because you just weathered the most wicked storm of your life, you are now more resilient and stronger than ever. This is when you stop focusing on the pain and accept it fully. It is when you become your closest friend and start to create a new path to trek. All of your emotions: pain, love, envy, admiration, anger, guilt, shame, pleasure, depression, fear, joy, suffering, passion, and empathy, will be placed in a rucksack on your back and taken out when needed. This is when you will feel renewed because you stopped denying yourself but instead ask, “Did I get better today? Did I improve as a man?” Hang on!
Dear Men,
You will ask, “Am I worthy? Am I enough?” You will wonder at times if you are worthy of anything, including love. You will wonder if you are enough? Is what you do ever good enough? The questions will haunt you. I will give you the answer. It is an answer that I searched for years to find. I searched everywhere, from the tops of mountain peaks, to the wooded paths covered with oak trees, and the oceans that have challenged my ability to stay afloat. I have looked into a woman’s eyes that I loved for what seems like two lifetimes, but I still couldn’t find it. The answer could not come from anyone else, even the love of my life, because I wasn’t able to hear her words. The answer had to come from within. I had to reach down and pull it from my heart and spleen. Yes, you are worthy and you are enough! Hang on!
Dear Men,
You will be faced with difficult times. They will come. Many of you have shared your stories with me. You have shared your trauma and suffering. You have shared your depression and anxiety, your darkness and fears. I have seen some of you take your own lives and your death brought to life my own beast. However, my rage for your demise was out of love. It was for my fallen brothers. It was for another man who I witnessed carrying the world on his shoulders. I had to take that emotion called “rage,” and try to find some good and grace. You have never slipped from my mind. Many of you suffer, but remember that this life is a miracle. It is a journey, a learning experience, and you do not need to carry your pain in silence. You can scream to the heavens, however, do not expect an answer. Once again, the answer comes from within. Hang on!
Dear Men,
I have saved many of my words for you. It is why I write novels with male leads. It is why I am unashamed to speak my truth to the world, share bits of myself, so that you can see a strong, masculine man stand before you and tell you that you will be okay. You will survive. I am also the sensitive, emotional, and romantic man that bares his soul. If I can offer you a cup of hope with a bowl of reality, you can have my words and grapple with them until you need them to lift yourself up, knowing that what you feel is normal. What you must do to heal, you will have to do yourself, but you can do it with support. My support comes from a woman who is my strength and why I strive to be the loving protector and the man I am. My support also comes from a mother who has raised a man to be all of the things I have mentioned in my words. For we all start in our mother’s womb. And, my support comes from other broken men, where we help one another mend our pieces back together. Still, with all of this support, you must build and rebuild yourself alone. You have to do the work, and be mindful that you do it for you, but also for those that depend on your love. You must find a way to inner peace, and that is a long, thorny journey. However, in the end, you will be more resilient, stronger than anyone ever thought you could be, and stronger than you thought you could become. You will stand before yourself in the mirror and be proud of the man you are, the path that you have taken, and you will be ready when the shitstorm comes back again. It will! It is a fact of life that you will be tested, but when you accept that, you will be more prepared for the battles that will come. Hang on!
Dear Men,
I do hope you had a male role model growing up. For men must teach boys how to grow and develop. I did not have that, so I found role models within books, movies, and stories. My role models are men I never met or men I created in my mind. Yes, I have had women role models, but men are needed to raise boys in the chaos of the world and be a guide through the milestones of life. It is desperately needed because there are too many absent fathers. They are both absent in body, and they are absent in mind when not emotionally available. We must take boys on a rite of passage, where they are in the company of men, on a pilgrimage of sorts, seeking the answers to the traits of what a man must be: faithful, kind, dependable, durable, intelligent, humorous, responsible, mature, self-aware, trustworthy, gentle, confident, loyal, passionate, humble, romantic, respectful, compassionate, reliable, strong, and they must have integrity. The list is long, longer than I have made it here, but it is what is required. It will take work to be a good man, a moral man. There will be some that will tear this list apart, and they will immediately point to the word “strong” and think, “How dare you. Men do not need to be strong.” Then they are misinterpreting the word “strong.” Men must train themselves to be strong in mind and body in order to be prepared. They must train themselves to be strong in character and virtues in order to be good citizens that are not wreaking chaos on the world. Do not let the stigmas towards men deter you from being a man. Hang on!
Dear Men,
I love you for your fierceness, your strength, your courage, your durability, your compassion, your empathy, your selflessness, and for being vulnerable. With vulnerability there is strength because you are telling the world, “This is the man I am, confident enough to share my darkness, and confident enough to be who I am. A man.” Hang on!
Dear Men,
You are not alone! Show yourself some grace. Hang on!
