I call depression my “Dark Little Friend” or “My Dark Little Bastard” depending on how bad it happens to be at that moment. I think I had to name it for it to be real. Naming it helped me accept it and become friends with it.
To me, depression is like a moist fog that clogs my brain. It makes all thoughts disoriented and my feelings become hard to navigate. Depression is going to bed feeling good and then waking up at two in the morning feeling like your head is sewn to the pillow. When I come to the realization that my dark little friend has arrived and the hours, days, or weeks to come will be filled with self-doubt, a sense of being a worthless piece of shit, and insomnia, I want to withdraw in a deep hole or take a long walk in the woods and hide. I feel this way because I think that I don’t deserve to be around anyone. I don’t deserve happiness or love, and the people I love most will have to witness my suffering. That’s when depression causes guilt because your suffering affects those around you and it’s not fair to them, so the awful feeling of worthlessness increases.
Depression can make me cry, as I picture myself as a once little blond haired boy that was shy and withdrawn at times because his self-doubt was already sinking deep in his soul. I cry when I see the look in my wife’s eyes when she knows my depression has visited me and she is a witness to my suffering. She hangs on until it lifts. I shed a tear when I have thoughts about how my death would be best for anyone around me: my wife, mom, brother, sister, nieces and nephews, and students. I’m a burden that should be punished or exiled. I’m never certain how long depression will visit. It plays with my emotions like spring weather. When it finally lifts I am thankful for how good I feel. It’s like a rebirth and I come out of the darkness charging ahead with life that a moment before seemed trapped in mud. Therefore, depression allows me to feel renewed over and over. One has to turn such things into a positive because the alternative is too heartbreaking.
As bad as depression can feel and the mental and physical pain that it brings, I would never wish that I would have been spared from it. Depression is a part of me and has made me stronger, building resilience in order to survive the darkness. It has been a great teacher and I am a devoted student trying to learn as much as I can through each lesson, each moment. Hopefully, it has granted me some wisdom that I can pass onto others and help guide them through the relationship with their own dark little friend.