“Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.”
― Anaïs Nin
I’m in the middle of a lake. It’s night and the shore is toying with me because each time I take a stroke forward it moves further away. Reality comes that I will never reach the shore no matter how hard I swim. My arms become heavy and my legs drag my body down from exhaustion. Suddenly, I cannot open my mouth to breathe and the air coming in through my nose is shallow and the air going out stops short of a full exhalation. This sensation makes my lungs feel like they will explode and my heart will stop. I struggle to tread water and then I scream but no sound comes out. It’s all in my head. The more I fight the faster I sink into the depths of the water. I’m drowning. Then, I relax and my mind releases me enough to breathe in deep and exhale slow and my nerves calm. The shore is suddenly there, sandy and close, and I can stand. I walk to solid ground and carry on for another day.
There are other days when anxiety is a constant chill through my body that makes every muscle tense and I feel like I will pass out because my head has been spinning all day. It’s these days that my mind goes to places where I am frightened and feel as if I may be going crazy. It’s a consistent dreadful feeling that rides my shoulders until I remember my breath and remind myself that I have felt this way before and will always survive. These are the moments when I build strength realizing I am resilient and will live another day, hoping to stay in the moment and enjoy life.
Sometimes, during those moments when it sneaks up on me and creates panic, I feel as if the earth I am standing on has dropped out from under me. I can feel the adrenaline rush through my body to my eyes and things get blurry like I might pass out. I hang on for the ride. It’s just a little reminder that even when I’m feeling calm that it’s still there, lingering in the depths of me waiting to emerge and grin and say, “Here I am mother fucker, get ready for the ride.”