There’s a wickedness to what suicide will do to the survivors. The ones left behind, making their feeble attempts to gather the broken pieces and place them back in a scattered pile. Suicide is not to be judged and certainly cannot be understood.
The date approaches fast when the calendar turns to August. I attempt to live my days mindfully, but the August hours turn, ticking on an old watch that my wrist is home to, tormenting me each year. It’s close, the day is here when my friend, my dear friend, took his life. It’s been so many years, seventeen, but I am a believer that when we lose those we love, we perpetually grieve for the rest of our lives. I’ve lost many.
Every moment that you get that isn’t painful in this life, you should embrace. That’s why I wake up daily and think about what I am grateful for. The alternative is too heartbreaking.
I spent years with my suffering and guilt, attempting to make sense of something that only makes sense to the person with the control, the one who takes their life. I no longer judge my pain or the lack of ability to have stopped my friend’s actions. The harsh truth is there is nothing any of us can do once someone makes that fatal decision. From what I understand, there is a great calm in those that decide to kill themselves. It comes over them when they make the decision to leave a world that they no longer feel a part of.
The key, the thing we can do, is make everyone feel a part of this world, like they belong. We can control what we do while they are alive, and that is to offer love, support, and give them hope. Simply be present for them. Normalize their feelings. And sometimes, many times, even this will not be enough, and that is not your fault, but at least you can say that you gave them the love you had.
A few days ago, I found out a former student took their life. I haven’t stopped thinking about him, the times he stopped by my office to talk about his mental health and just to connect. He has my tears. I reached out to one of his friends to check in on him and I read his words of guilt. I know those words, those thoughts, all too well. I want to tell him, and all of this young man’s friends, that they cannot take blame. They may never understand why and the “what ifs” will not do you any good. If anything, they will cause you harm. However, this is easier said than done. I’ve lived it and still do. Suicide is something we will never understand. Hell, living is hard enough to grasp, death is impossible.
What I do know is this, every experience shapes us. I have never learned anything from easy times. Only those moments that spun me around and made me face the darkness has brought me to understand life, if even just a little more. I cherish the simple things, what makes us want to live: love, health, friendship, music, a mindful hike, and a good book. Nothing else really matters. Those dark moments do not have to define us.
What we need to do is reach out to others. Give them our words, acknowledge their pain, and offer warmth in our smile. Love them! Some may even turn from you and struggle to accept the love you offer, but never let that deter you from your path to help someone else. Give them their space, but I guarantee that they will never forget that you were true to them. A true friend, true love, true family, is hard to come by, but we know our truths. Who they are. They stay there with us as we grapple in the dark.
I feel pain for my former student and feel that same pain for all of my students that suffer. I want their lives to be extraordinary. I wish I was a better educator for them, and will do my best. I do love them all, I try to show that even when it may not appear that way. I even love the ones I haven’t met yet.
For my friend, David, who my book is dedicated to and much of my purpose, I will forever love you, brother. To those of you who feel lost, hopeless, like life is suffocating you. You are not alone! Turn your pain into strength and give it reason. Perhaps, your purpose will be to help others. It seems like this world could use that right now.
We don’t need to travel this world alone!