A few years back, I had a principal ask me to apply for an assistant principal position. For the life of me, I am not sure why I did. Most likely, it was because I was flattered that he asked, and I am sure ego played a role. After all, we all have this need to be accepted and wanted. I applied and when word got out, a coworker took it upon herself to go to administration and tell them that they should use caution when interviewing me because I was sexually harassing staff and had an affair on my wife in a previous leadership role I held in another district. This was not true. Yes, there was someone who was in a similar role who had done these things, but it was not me.
I am grateful that another staff member, a friend of the accuser, told me what had happened. I immediately felt the need to clear my name. The last thing I needed was to have a rumor going around that I was sexually harassing staff and having affairs. Those are pretty serious accusations. I went to admin and they all said they knew about this but didn’t really give it much thought because of the source where the information came from and they felt they knew I was a good person from the eight months I had worked there. They disclosed that this person, the one that accused me of doing this, had caused trouble before. I requested to meet with this person and confront her with them present.
I sat before her in tears, feeling like I needed to defend myself, and I became emotional because I knew I would need to tell my wife about this incident too. Honestly, even though I did not do anything, it made me feel guilty, dirty, and it was unfair. She sat across from me and told me that she heard from a former coworker of hers that was now working at my previous district, that these incidents took place.
“Was my name used along with these accusations?” I asked.
“No,” she said, “It was just the position you were in so I assumed.”
Whenever the word “assume” enters into a conversation, be leery. A lack of truth usually follows. I interviewed for the assistant principal position. They told the interview team about the accusations in case this person had spread the rumor further. Can you imagine sitting in an interview knowing that the people around the table all heard about this incident? Innocent or not, it causes added stress. She was talked to and told to drop it but she didn’t. She became upset with me and turned herself into the victim.
I did not get the position, and looking back, I realize it was definitely for the best and I dodged a bullet. This woman never let the situation go and felt like she did the right thing and I should have told her the name of the staff member who told me about her accusations. I never did. I even went to her and tried to mend our relationship, but she did not want anything to do with me. Once again, I went back to my belief that people will not change until they decide too, and some people are not worth your time. It’s a skill to know when it is time to walk away and cut ties, for the sake of your own mental health.
After the incident I described, I wandered around the building stressed, even paranoid, wondering how many people this person told and who believed her. Most people will not investigate assumptions on their own, or ask the person directly. Instead, they will create their own assumptions and walk around passively. I felt like I needed to clear my name because I worried many people thought that this was actually me. If one person made the mistake, then how many others? I even thought that when I changed jobs and went to another district that someone else would hear that this incident happened, where staff were being sexually harassed by someone in a similar position from my old school, and then assume it was me once again? Assumptions can cause pain and harm, and unless it is happening directly to you, it’s hard to understand the impact it can have. I actually thought this incident was handled okay, but I am uncertain that anyone knew how difficult it was to see this person almost daily and how it caused me a great deal of anxiety and stress. This one incident was a part of the reason I left my teaching position a couple of years later.
The thing about assumptions that are so dangerous is that once the words are out there, they linger in a dark cloud and some people will always wonder if they are true. The wicked seed has been planted and then judging happens. One needs to shut off the water source that feeds the seed so that it cannot grow to be a thorny plant that cuts you. Advocate for yourself. After all, sometimes all we have is our name and reputation.
One of the behaviors that I have dealt with among students over the years, has been harassment due to assumptions. Young people hear one thing, or assume, and then it’s like an avalanche coming down a mountain. It grows at a dangerous speed and causes a lot of destruction before it halts abruptly. The reason I bring my experience being the victim of an assumption to you, is because I know the stress and hurt it can cause. I was in my late forties when this happened, with years of building my armor to defend against such toxic people, and it was still difficult. Start building your armor at a young age so that when you enter into the realm of people that aim to hurt you with false premises, you will be ready. There are people in this world that do not want to see you succeed, for one reason or another, they do not want to be happy for anyone.
You will go through life and you will be given information on people, places, politics, relationships, personalities, and always keep in mind that you may not always know the truth behind what is accurate. If you question something, investigate it and seek the facts, and then make up your own mind. Do not become part of the problem with accepting the assumption being made and then spreading it. Assumptions become like manure in a field and the stench spreads, even to a nearby city.
If you find out that you are on the end where an assumption has been made about you, and you know it is not true, my suggestion is to confront the person directly. Do so with calmness and have a witness so that more assumptions are not made. Then, when you have cleared up the situation as much as you can, be mindful that you will be drained, stressed, and tired from doing so, but then walk away with confidence knowing who you truly are. Do not let others control you with their assumptions.
During these times, you will find out a lot about people, the ones who stood by you and stood up for you. Standing up for someone, putting yourself at potential risks of getting backlash is something I have seen few people be willing to do. They are more comfortable on the sidelines, rooting for you from a quiet seat. I have stood up for others several times. I have faced people, even bosses, including the man that was actually the harasser in the situation I described, and told them that they were wrong and it needed to stop. Confrontation needs to be handled calmly and confidently. However, when you confront those in the wrong, they will do everything to stop you, ruin you even, and try to make you the problem. The social game of life is a complex one. What I would suggest is that early on, you sit with yourself and examine what your values are as a human. Decide who you are and what you want to stand for, and then become that person, especially in the face of adversity.
