Think about this for a moment. You are told that you are dying and there is no cure. Suddenly, death is sitting next to you, sighing in your ear, telling you it is almost time to end this journey that you have been on. Think about it. I know it is difficult because we live in a world where we try to avoid death. However, how can we avoid something that is unavoidable? So sit, pause, and reflect that you were given this news. Take as much time as you need.
Now, if you did this, who and what came to your thoughts? Did you have any visions? I have done this practice for years, and I am certain that many would find this to be morbid and depressing. However, when I am able to think in these terms, where I have been told this life I am living will be over soon, it is a sudden reality check as to what is important in life and have I lived the way I wanted. If I were to die soon, would I be content and proud of how I lived my life? More importantly, this practice helps decide how we want to continue our journey and exploration during this human experience.
When I have sat with my death, I conclude by asking the question, “Am I living the life that I want to live?” I then sit down and think about what I can change. What can I leave behind? What habits have I gotten into that are destructive? When have I gotten in my own way and made excuses for the happenings in my life, when the entire time I was in control and responsible? Who are the people that I want around me? Who are the toxic people that I must leave behind, no matter how hard it is because they are what my wife calls, “seagulls” and they constantly hover over me and take what they want and then leave? What have I done in my life that has caused me harm and what have I done that has actually helped me? Have I harmed others, intentionally or not? What mistakes and missteps have I made, but more importantly, have I learned from them? Am I doing the work that I want to do? Have I been a good person? Have I lived with courage and virtue? Do the people that are important to me know that I love them? This list of questions can start to help you develop the life that you want to live. However, you need to be completely honest with yourself. You need to hold yourself accountable for your own life, whether the obstacle that was handed to you was your fault or not, you must take accountability for how you responded. Sit on the edge of your bed and take a very close look at who you are, the journey you are on, and the path that you are taking. Do you like what you see? Has your life become filled with “things” or is your life filled with love and memories that cannot be replaced? When you are done with this reflection, and thinking about your death and your life, do not judge yourself. Do not be hard on yourself and critical, but think about what you want to change to make your life more fulfilling.
When I was twenty five, I lost my father to a medical suicide. When I was thirty four, I lost my best friend to suicide. When I was forty, I lost my sister to something that we still don’t understand, and a few months later another friend took his life in dramatic form, going out in a death that was not fit for him, getting shot by the police. My mother is dying. It is happening and at her doorstep. She’s hard to kill but it is here, closer than ever because of cancer. Death is difficult to process and often makes us numb. Some deaths make us feel guilty, as if we could have stopped the inevitable. We take responsibility for something that wasn’t ours to take. Then, there is loss. In a split moment, our lives have changed forever. I always say, “There is life before death, and there is life after.” We are never the same after someone that we love dies. We move into a perpetual state of grieving. Grief never leaves us. Yes, it is a process, one that ebbs and flows with time, but it is always there. Death cannot be undone. If we have memories, we grieve. If we have been fortunate enough to love, we feel grief. When I think of the deaths I mentioned, I often cry, even years later. When I think of the deaths to come, I cry for them and wonder how life will be without them here. However, I also think about how fortunate I was to love the people I have lost. I think about the time we had together and for some reason, they were taken from this life before I was. Therefore, my purpose has not been fulfilled yet. That is when I come back to the questions, “How do I want to live going forward? How will I make my life extraordinary?” The things that immediately come to mind are: Am I showing compassion and empathy? Am I loving my wife the way she deserves to be loved? Am I helping others to the best of my ability without sacrificing myself to the point of exhaustion where I can no longer be of service? Do I take responsibility for myself? What are my values and am I living up to them? And again, do the people that I care about know what they mean to me? I am not afraid to express my feelings and I want those people to know that I love them. The important thing to keep in mind, when death lingers in the air around my shoulders and weighs heavy, I do not think about material items. I do not think about the car I drive, the house I own, or the clothes I wear. If those things are not important while I am thinking about death, then they are not important when I am thinking about life.
I believe we honor the dead by living our life with courage and dignity. We honor those that have crossed over into that other dimension, the great mystery that awaits us all, by continuing. Our continuation means that we will get caught up in turmoil at times, and we will face hardships. We will make mistakes and wonder why it is so difficult at times, and we will think about why we are here and our purpose for living. It aso means that we will experience joy and love, and there will be moments of bliss. Joy may come from a kiss, or looking deeply into your love’s eyes. It may come from seeing the most dramatic sunset of your life, or seeing a wild flower in full bloom in the middle of some mountain trail and you will stop and ponder how it got there, all alone but thriving. You may find your joy through serving others and knowing that your life was not a mistake because you helped someone else navigate their own life. Whatever it may be, this complex experience that we all have for such a short time, is magical.
How to live life is much harder than dying. It takes more skill. One needs to build their armor and become a warrior to survive, living life like it is your greatest battle. Death is not tricky. It is not a game of chess. It will happen, perhaps quickly, and perhaps slow and grudgingly. It is a great mystery, how we will finally perish, one that you will only find out when it happens. Will there be something else after we pass? Will we be reincarnated? Will your death honor your religious beliefs? Will we see those people we lost along the way? I certainly hope we are greeted by dogs and cats. My greatest fear of dying is that there will be nothing. We will just close our eyes and that will be it, and then dust and ash await. I do not believe this though. I think we have too much evidence in our waking world that something magnificent is out there, and it waits for us to take our greatest adventure yet.
None of us know when or how we will die. Even if I could, I am not sure I would want to know. It is a mystery that should be kept from us. It’s like climbing a mountain and finally standing on the peak witnessing the view for the first time. You had to work to get there in order to absorb the magnificence of it all. You needed to stand on top of that mountain looking down at the trail that you traversed in order to reach the top. While you stand there, you see all that you have accomplished and left behind. It will be then that you realize the rocky journey was all worth it. The key, the blessing that you can give yourself now, is to be mindful of how wonderful that journey has been along the way to the top. Be curious about your life and flirt with your death until it blushes.
