I believe that if we are growing as humans, we have phases, chapters if you will, where we change from who we once were to someone different. These can be difficult transitions because many of the people that you are close to or even associate with will struggle to understand. The reason for this is if you are growing and they are stagnant, repeating the cycles of their life over and over again, you are most likely going to drift apart. It is why many relationships, whether it is a friendship, family member, or even your significant other, do not stand the test of time. You splinter and lose interest in one another.
In my life, I have had many friendships that have not lasted. They sort of came to a sudden halt. However, looking back, it was not sudden at all, it was a slow process. The conversations were like a song that kept repeating itself, and all that was left were stories from the past. Sometimes, it was friends who were making decisions in their life that morally, I simply struggled to continue with. Other friends started their families, so they grew in a new and different direction than I chose, one that I was happy for them because if they were good parents, they would be consumed by their children. Still, when you see friends once or twice per year, it is difficult to maintain what I would call a true friendship. Oftentimes, in a much younger past, the relationship was about getting together and drinking, becoming liquidated fools, which leads to a false relationship. It is one that is held together by a substance that makes you think you are close, but what is keeping you together is not drinking alone and rehashing old memories.
The same can be said about family. Many times, families all have their past stories that they share, but they too will fall to the wayside if they do not grow together. Like friendships, family can also grow apart because they develop different interests, different goals, and ideals. This can bring communication, the key to any relationship, to a stale state of conversation, often one sided, where interest is lost. I envy those with close families, where I hear siblings being best friends, but often families are people who were roommates once upon a time, raised by the same parents, but have nothing in common. It is almost a forced relationship for many. It is not to say you don’t love them, it’s just you have not grown together. I have become closer to some of my family because our bond has grown deeper, but others, they have become people that drift in and out of my memory, and I know they are out there somewhere living their lives. Still, if they called, I would be there because blood in itself is a bond that flows deep.
When you do change chapters in your life and start to develop into this new, hopefully improved self, you will also become bored with who you once were. This can disrupt your life in some ways, that is, if you choose to look at it as a disruption. Perhaps, looking at your changing self as an opportunity is a better way to approach it. Still, when you develop into your new self, you start to question the way you are living and if it is what you still want. You may look at the job you have and realize that you were once passionate about it, but it too has become stagnant, not fulfilling your needs anymore. Certainly, it offers a paycheck, but in my mind, our work needs to be more than just a paycheck. We spend so much time in our work that it would be a shame, and wasteful, to not have some passion for it. For instance, I still love being with my students and having conversations with them that will help them develop. Mostly, I like to help them work through their problems and learn some strategies to overcome the obstacles they face. I also enjoy talking to kids about mental health. That, I am passionate about. However, going into a classroom, planning and teaching lessons, writing IEPs, and listening to the same recycled drivel year after year, has become monotonous. Education has always been a pendulum that swings to one side and back to the other, and the same players do the same things over and over, always expecting different results with the same actions. It’s schizophrenic in many ways. I have not lost all passion for teaching because of my desire to help young people, but I am bored with the redundancy of education, The checks and balances, crossing the “T” and dotting the “i”. As one of my district administrators recently said, “We need to utilize your experience and skills better. It’s refreshing to feel valued. It’s been a while.
You may also start to question your hobbies, the things that you enjoy outside of your workday. They might not be important to you anymore. I still remember the moment when I finished a trail race and thought, “I think I’m done with this. I have no interest in competing against others anymore.” I’ve been a competitor all of my life, but it just didn’t make sense anymore. I haven’t ran a race in a few years, and not because of knee issues or aging. I just lost interest. The need to compete against myself became more urgent and interesting. It has become an exploration into my inner being, challenging my body and mind, putting myself in uncomfortable situations in order to build resilience. The thing is, except for a few bumps in the road, I am in better shape than when I was running half-marathons and all sorts of crazy workouts. I am more in touch with my body than ever.
Why do these changes, the new chapters in our lives happen? For me personally, and probably similar to most people who continue to develop and grow, it has come from times of tragedy, pain, grieving, deep depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and boredom. Difficult circumstances change us and if we want to rise above them and understand them, we need to grow and develop ourselves in order to survive. I think back to the times in my life where I stood at the crossroads and decided to go down the path that seemed to have a warm breeze, a little dirt, and a glimpse of sun on the horizon. However, it was also covered in thorns and obstacles where I needed to watch my step and walk calmly to get to my destination. When you decide to start making changes, risks of some kind are usually involved, and that is good. Doing tough things builds character and develops our virtues.
After my best friend killed himself, I went towards the destination of becoming a teacher and learning more about my depression and past trauma so I could eventually help students with theirs. It was a time of self-discovery and building confidence in order to change careers at age thirty-seven. After my sister and former brother-in-law died, I found myself starting to focus on my writing more. This sense of urgency came over me to get my words onto paper. A book, Everything That Makes Us Feel was the result. This was also a time when I became stagnant in the classroom and needed something different, so I went back to school for my masters degree in Educational Leadership. I became a dean of students, still the highlight of my career, but it wore me down. It was a job that chipped away at my soul little by little and drained me of everything, and panic and anxiety was the result. The stress of the job would have taken my life within another year, I am sure of it, so I had to leave. It wasn't the students who drained my soul.
Suddenly, I moved into another chapter of being a published author. It was a strange time, where suddenly people were interested in my book and my story. The news brought attention to my novel and so did radio stations and podcasts, along with several other interviews. However, it also brought people out from the woodwork, the ones who didn’t want my friendship but advice for writing. They wanted something from me. They would lure me in and then inevitably hit me with, “Can you read my book?” Some would want to tap into my writing process and help with their writing, and when my answer was simple, “Find a time to write every day, be disciplined, love what you do, and just write.” It was never enough for them, so I never heard from them again. It’s not that I mind helping them. I have helped many. It’s just that I needed to protect myself from being emotionally depleted.
Publishing was a blessing and a curse. I was struggling to trust people’s intentions when they contacted me because the pattern was being set, and little by little, between my job as a teacher, writing, and doing mental health talks, I was being tapped dry. My energy was leaving my body and mind and it seemed like I was losing myself in the process. There is also the pressure of promoting my book, and now, two books. As my therapists recently said when I was talking about how awkward it is to market something I created and coming up with new ways to do so, “Chuck,” he said, “You have always talked about your love for writing, but not once have I heard you say you wanted to be a marketer.” He is right. I despise the marketing process. It is necessary but I realized that I needed to do it in a different way, and if it means less sales, at least I didn’t sell my soul in the process. I will continue to write, and I hope to continue publishing, doing talks and so on. I have a couple more books written, staying quiet in the corners for now, until they are ready to talk to the world. Except, the conversation they bring will be different.
My point in all of this is that we should be growing as humans. That often means that our interests will change. We will develop a new self, hopefully one that is wiser, calmer, and that will move closer to the true self. Unfortunately, it also means that with your change, you will leave others behind. The crossroads that you stand at will pull you down a path where you will walk alone for a while until the next stop. You will hope that a few others will walk with you, wanting to develop and grow as well, but some will continue the monotony of their lives, complaining to others and themselves to no avail. They will want a different life, a different outcome, but will do the same thing over and over and then blame someone else for why they are stuck on the gerbil wheel.
There are some harsh truths, I have discovered, in life. No matter the circle of support that you may have around you, if you want your life to change, if you want to feel less depressed, anxious, get in better shape, develop your mind, find your passion, you will have to put in the work to do it. No one is coming to save you or do it for you. We can walk with those we love in this world, but we also walk alone. That is not meant to sound sad but encouraging, knowing that you have the power to change and choose a different path whenever you decide to do so. You just need to be prepared that others will not walk with you.
Change is lonely because if it happens organically, it pulls you slowly away from your old self. It is as if you are watching a movie, maybe another life taking place, and little by little, you are renewed to becoming a better version of who you once were but with new skin. To me, change helps keep life interesting. I will never forget those I have encountered on my path, their faces are all there, and if I listen closely enough, so are their voices, and I am grateful to them all because they are a part of me, a part of my story.
